Grrrr!

My mom enjoys telling a story of me losing my temper when I was very small.  I had a tricycle that my parents allowed me to ride around in our apartment.  There was a wall that partially divided the kitchen from the living room and hallway in such a way that I could ride in a big circle through the rooms. 

As the story goes, the tricycle worked great in the kitchen.  But when I got to the living room, I would get stuck because the carpet slowed me down.  You see, I could just barely reach the pedals with my tippy toes.  And when the going got rough on the carpeting, I needed my whole foot to push the pedal forward, but I couldn’t do that.  So I would have to crookedly scoot forward on the seat stretching my foot down.  Then I’d have to repeat that on the other side as soon as the first foot reached the bottom position. 

One day, I apparently had had enough of this.  I growled loudly at my tricycle and decided to chew on the handle grip to let that dumb thing know how mad I really was!

 

I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of a major temper tantrum for about a week.  Well, that does not entirely describe it.  It’s more like teetering back and forth from dread and sadness to frustration and anger.  Today was a particularly bad day for Jeff.

--In a string of not-so-good days.

Cancer stinks.  This whole situation just makes me mad.  I feel like I’ve been at the point where I have accepted death as the outcome for so long now.  I stopped praying for a miracle months ago and simply asked for God to do what is best—for all of us.  And I meant it!  But I am really struggling with how this is best for anyone.  And I’m angry because I just don’t feel like it’s fair to feel guilty for wishing it was over when it seems like God is dragging it out.

Now that I’ve got that off my chest: 

I still choose to believe that God is good all the time, that He really is working this out according the plan that best brings Him glory.   I believe He has big things planned for my kids and me.  Why else would He be testing them so early in life?  I still believe He is a great and mighty God. I firmly believe that He cares and that He is big enough to handle my conflicting emotions.  Big enough to handle the anger and the hurt. 

But I am wondering, “Where’s a good tricycle handle when you need one?”