Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Grrrr!

My mom enjoys telling a story of me losing my temper when I was very small.  I had a tricycle that my parents allowed me to ride around in our apartment.  There was a wall that partially divided the kitchen from the living room and hallway in such a way that I could ride in a big circle through the rooms. 

As the story goes, the tricycle worked great in the kitchen.  But when I got to the living room, I would get stuck because the carpet slowed me down.  You see, I could just barely reach the pedals with my tippy toes.  And when the going got rough on the carpeting, I needed my whole foot to push the pedal forward, but I couldn’t do that.  So I would have to crookedly scoot forward on the seat stretching my foot down.  Then I’d have to repeat that on the other side as soon as the first foot reached the bottom position. 

One day, I apparently had had enough of this.  I growled loudly at my tricycle and decided to chew on the handle grip to let that dumb thing know how mad I really was!

 

I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of a major temper tantrum for about a week.  Well, that does not entirely describe it.  It’s more like teetering back and forth from dread and sadness to frustration and anger.  Today was a particularly bad day for Jeff.

--In a string of not-so-good days.

Cancer stinks.  This whole situation just makes me mad.  I feel like I’ve been at the point where I have accepted death as the outcome for so long now.  I stopped praying for a miracle months ago and simply asked for God to do what is best—for all of us.  And I meant it!  But I am really struggling with how this is best for anyone.  And I’m angry because I just don’t feel like it’s fair to feel guilty for wishing it was over when it seems like God is dragging it out.

Now that I’ve got that off my chest: 

I still choose to believe that God is good all the time, that He really is working this out according the plan that best brings Him glory.   I believe He has big things planned for my kids and me.  Why else would He be testing them so early in life?  I still believe He is a great and mighty God. I firmly believe that He cares and that He is big enough to handle my conflicting emotions.  Big enough to handle the anger and the hurt. 

But I am wondering, “Where’s a good tricycle handle when you need one?”

12 comments:

CalamityJr said...

Adrienne,

God is using your story already. My sister-in-law, also in Ohio, has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer. Two chemo treatments and the resulting loss of hair and other side effects later, I can turn to your meditations and draw strength for our part in her journey. Thank you.

Mary Jane

Sarah said...

Praying for you today. The girls broke a jump rope this past weekend. Let me know if you would like the handle.

Sarah

Kristi said...

Oh Adrienne ! I love you! You say so profoundly what ANYONE who has ever traveled this road with a loved one has felt. When my mom was in the last weeks of her struggle with "C"... I remember leaving her house and crying, screaming, yelling at God and anything else I could think of because I was just so mad@! I felt like the whole process was taking too long and for what purpose? I too, knew in my head that God, in his infinite love for us , cared that she and all of us were suffering. I just wanted him to do what was inevitable... immediately! But he knew the perfect morning to call her into His presence and I have seen since then reasons and results from that. I pray every day for your family and pray that this trial through fire and trial of faith will indeed let you all be found "unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1.7"
hugs! Kristi

Beth said...

I feel this same way sometimes, on a much smaller scale (but I am a thrower, not a chewer). When there seems to be an extended period of time in "the valley", I struggle with what it is I am suppose to be learning or what it is I am being molded for. Looking back, I can see that God's plan was exactly that...His plan, not mine. When I look back at these times, I see His perfect work and the reasons why I had to wait. That is not to say that I don't get frustrated along the way, because I do. I probably spend more time in frustration than in yielding to Him. Sometimes, I feel like He has forgotten me and where I am at, but on the other side of things, I see that He was right there with me all along. I don't have a clue what this has to be like for you and your family, besides just plain HARD. Please know that God is sooooo using you to speak to others. You are such a clear example of a true disciple of God. You are an amazing lady and I am blessed to know you. May His arms of comfort surround you and may you and Jeff find rest there.
Beth Brunty

Angie - The Arthur Clan said...

Oh Adrienne. :( I am praying hard for you all today.

Love you!

JKoenig said...

I don't know what I could say more than your dear friends have already said. Life is difficult at times, and "hanging on to HIS hand" doesn't mean it will be easy; but to me, it is the only place I find Hope and Comfort. And I know when the day comes, along with incredible sadness, you will also have incredible Joy because you Know where your precious husband will be, and you Know you will see him again.

My love, prayers and admiration go out to you. Your honesty makes you Real!

deejbrown said...

I do not understand faith in retrospect. Doesn't seem like faith but I am not one to give an opinion on this. Am humbled by your candid and honest anger (me too!)

What struck me about this post is how you go stuck in the LIVING room....

Prayers and Light,
Diane

Corner Gardener Sue said...

I was right in my thinking that you were going to relate the tricycle story to what is going on currently. Your life is very hard right now.

I hate cancer, too. I don't know if I've told you my mother-in-law had multiple myeloma. It was difficult seeing such an active person go through all she did. She even had to have her gall bladder removed during her treatments. I remember her reaching a point where she was tired of the pain and all she was going through. It is so hard witnessing that. When it's your spouse and father of your children, I can only imagine your pain.

You continue to be in my prayers.

Corner Gardener Sue said...

By the way, have you thought of trying to put your posts into a book to publish? You are so good with expressing your thoughts and feelings. As I was reading this post, I was thinking about that. It could be helpful and a blessing to others if you did that.

JimB said...

You have a good handle on this situation and I admire your strength and ability to look at the challenge and hardship with candid emotions. It is times like this that our faith is tested and retested and only God knows the reason for the struggle.

My prayers are with you and your husband.

Jim

Plattner Ranch said...

Be not dismayed what'er betide,
God will take care of you;
Beneath His wings of love abide,
God will take care of you.

Refrain

God will take care of you,
Through every day, over all the way;
He will take care of you,
God will take care of you.

Through days of toil when heart doth fail,
God will take care of you;
When dangers fierce your path assail,
God will take care of you.

Refrain

All you may need He will provide,
God will take care of you;
Nothing you ask will be denied,
God will take care of you.

Refrain

No matter what may be the test,
God will take care of you;
Lean, weary one, upon His breast,
God will take care of you.

Refrain


Reaching out with a great big E-hug! I wish I could do more, but I'm praying and loving all day, every day, for each of you.

LauraLee

Adrienne in Ohio said...

Thank you to each one of you. I am blessed to have such encouraging friends!

LL, love that hymn.