Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Thirsty

I try to make things seem as normal as possible.  Lots of things are still the same, in truth.  Household chores, lawn care, kids, daily stuff… My brain finds solace in routines:  a way to move from one task to the next without really thinking, some might even say “ignoring the situation.”   I wonder if that is a defense mechanism of some sort.  A way for my heart to disengage  in an effort to make things seem normal.  I have felt numb for weeks now.

So, I was surprised to be suddenly suppressing tears on my way home from church Sunday night.  Jeff had come to evening services with us.  (No longer able to sit upright for very long, he listens to the service over a speaker in the pastor’s office where he can lie down on a couch.)   Afterwards, I watched him walk his unsteady walk and stand waiting for me to come lead him to the car.

The ups and downs get to a person, especially when it seems there aren’t very many ups anymore.   I hate seeing Jeff in pain.  And in my frustration over it all, I’m afraid I’m not the comforter I ought to be.

With the increased weakness and intensifying pain come the questions “How bad might this get?” and “How much longer before things get really bad?”  And then sometimes, when he is feeling comfortable, I think he could do this for a long while yet.  I have no idea what to expect.

This is a dry and thirsty land, spiritually-speaking.  This weariness of walking on with unanswered prayer.  Does Jesus care?  I can say with certainty that he does. 

I’ve been through dry spells before—periods when my Christian growth seems stalled even while I am truly desiring His presence.  Have you been there?  You are thirsting for God, for evidence of His working in your life, but He seems elusive.

Could it be that  He has designed this time as well?   It would seem so.  For when we are desperate for His presence, His leading, His comfort, no earthly substitute will satisfy.  Like the Psalmist, I cry out “O God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is.      –Ps. 63:1                                                           

The Bible promises relief:  For I will pour water upon him that is thirsty, and floods upon the dry ground: I will pour my spirit upon thy seed, and my blessing upon thine offspring:                                                                                    --Isa. 44:3

A friend read a passage to me this morning from Revelation 21 describing what the future holds for believers in Jesus:

1And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea. 2And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God. 4And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

5And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful. 6And he said unto me, It is done. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give unto him that is athirst of the fountain of the water of life freely.

Freely!  No more dry spells!  We will be whole. We will be satisfied in the presence of God.

And so having been reminded of these truths, I determine to keep walking.  I keep asking.  I keep longing for God.  Knowing this: that He has always proven faithful, and  He is bound by His essence to continue in that faithfulness.  I will keep trusting.

9 comments:

Sandy said...

I am encouraged by your faith - and believe me your faith is ANYTHING but stalled - my prayers of strength and comfort are with you, friend and I am encouraged by you both. Your strengths AND the weakness - Just remember at OUR weekest moments God give us strength to move mountains - even tho we don't see it or feel it... much luv!!

Plattner Ranch said...

Praying for you Adrienne!

Beth said...

Adrienne, these struggles are evidence that your faith is at work! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are an encouragement. And you don't always have to be the comforter. It's okay for Jeff to see your fears. He just needs you to be there as his wife and best friend. You are doing a fantastic job. We will continue praying for peace and strength as you face the valley of the shadow of death.

Kerri said...

You are all in my prayers!

Betsy from Tennessee said...

Oh Adrienne, I am so sorry for what you are going through... As strong as our faith is, we are still human and life is HARD. I think you need to give yourself permission to be human---to be weak. It's OKAY.... Cry and be vulnerable... You cannot be strong all of the time. Jeff understands what you are going through. Going to God with your prayers, your questions, your feelings is what you need to keep doing. I'm glad you have friends and family there and a wonderful church family --who love you and want to help.

May God Bless You...
Prayers and Love,
Betsy

Snap said...

Adrienne,

I've found that a good cry is very cleansing ... good for the soul. I believe we are all one ... from star stuff we came and to the stars we will return. When one of us hurts, we all hurt. May you continue to find comfort and support from your church. My friend, I wish you and yours well.

Corner Gardener Sue said...

Hi Adrienne,
I read this earlier, when my daughter was over, waiting to use my computer. My heart goes out to you for all you are going through.

Yes, I've had spells like that. Sometimes I don't have that strong desire for Him. Lately I have, though, and have wondered if He was listening to me. Sometimes I think He may be mad at me, but the bit I've been in the Word helps me realize that's not the case. There are some new songs out on Christian radio that help me by addressing the things that are going on in my mind and life, too.

God is involved in our lives, even when things aren't going well.

I love how you found assurance through Scripture, and are determined to walk in faith and trust. I am so looking forward to heaven.

It sounds like your family is continuing to spend some fun times together. Take care!

Marci said...

I pray that you will have some positive times to come. I'm sorry for the tough times you and your family are going through.
'Cast your cares upon the Lord and He will sustain you.' Ps. 55:22

Nishant said...

I really enjoy reading your blog .
PPC Advertising India