The Song I’m Singing

I’m cleaning today. 

I know.  It’s terribly exciting, isn’t it?

Anyway, I just haven’t had any idea what to write in this blog for awhile now.  But today while I was cleaning, a song popped into my head.  It’s called Because He Lives. I thought it was worth sharing.

The chorus goes like this:

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
My live is worth the living just because He lives!

One thing is clear, there is much uncertainty in this life.  Our own family tragedy has been followed by watching several friends suffer disappointments.  It is enough to make one to wonder if the journey is worth it. 

Personally, I wonder sometimes how I’ll ever manage to bring up these three beautiful children on my own.  But I am thankful for the gentle reassurance from the Holy Spirit that I am not alone.  Sometimes it comes as a Scripture verse to my mind (Heb. 13:5b).  Sometimes as encouraging words from a friend, and sometimes in the form of a song.

And so today I’m singing.

A New Year, A New Normal

Jeff’s service was beautiful and uplifting.  I think it was everything he wanted it to be, and I’m thankful for the conversations we had to plan it, as hard as that was at the time.

The kids are holding up marvelously and started back to school today.  The guidance counselor at each school contacted me today to assure me that they are looking out for their well-being and will be available for whatever needs might arise.  It is good to know.  I want my kids to feel like they have a safe place to go if they start feeling overwhelmed during the day.  I wish I could protect them from that, but I know that isn’t realistic.  And probably not healthy, either.

While they were at school, my parents came over and helped me put away all the Christmas decorations.  I usually feel wistful about putting Christmas away, but it felt good today.  I need to take back my house.  *chuckle*  It’s a bit of a mess.

I have been accumulating paperwork, too.  And that will be addressed tomorrow.  Lots of forms to fill out, accounts to notify, health insurance applications to complete.  I’ve put that off long enough.  But I know I’ll feel better once that is all taken care of.

Then I can get back to just being a mom.  Planning meals.  Doing laundry.  Packing lunches.  Making the library run.  Dusting. 

~well,

Maybe I can put the dusting off a little longer. 

:)

With Hope

Jeff entered into the arms of Jesus yesterday at 2:20 pm.  We will miss him terribly, but rejoice in knowing he is whole and no longer in any pain.  And we have the blessed hope that we will be reunited with him again one day in Heaven because he knew Jesus as his Savior.

Prayers Needed

From Jeff’s Caringbridge site:

On Monday, Jeff was extremely agitated.  He had been awake since 5 am on Sunday with no naps, very restless and having trouble finishing sentences.  The meds we had on hand were not able to relax his state of mind at all, so the doctor called in Thorazine.  He finally fell asleep after 8 pm on Monday.  He's been unable to really communicate since then. He cannot swallow without choking and all the fluid his body was retaining is going to his lungs which makes his breathing sound awful. 

The doctor came to see him yesterday and told us it won't be long now.  We are giving his medications through two ports that are just under his skin.  And he has a patch to help dry up some of the excess fluid in his lungs  I know you probably have questions that I haven't thought to address here.  I apologize for that.  It's so hard to know how much information is too much or not enough.

We know he can still hear us, as his eyes flutter when we talk.  He smiles when we say "I love you."  So please feel free to continue writing messages to him, and I will read them.

 
We declared last night to be our "Christmas Eve."  One of Jeff's family's traditions growing up was to open a gift on Christmas Eve.  I am a purist and always thought we should wait until Christmas morning. (Partly because I'm one of those silly people who is still wrapping after the kids go to bed on Christmas Eve.)  Last year, I finally gave in and we announced the beginning of the "One-gift-on-Christmas-Eve" tradition.  When I told Jeff's doctor how much Henry was hoping Daddy would make it until Christmas, he said "Christmas is a season, not just a day."  So when Henry asked again if Daddy would make it until Christmas, I decided we should just make last night our "Christmas Eve."  And don't you know, they got two gifts out of it instead of one. :)

I know there's no good time to lose a loved one, but Christmas seems to be an especially hard time for this to be happening.  Please pray for a swift and peaceful passing.  And continue to pray for our family as we make our way through this unfamiliar territory.

Reinforcements

It’s been a few weeks ago, now, that I felt like I just couldn’t handle this situation anymore.  It was right about the time Jeff had been battling a cold for several days and then I caught it, too.  I was so exhausted and sick.  He was bed-bound.  I began feeling angry and resentful.  Like if I got the chance, I’d be really tempted to get in my car and drive for a very long time. 

I reasoned with myself, that driving off would be a really pointless move. Even if I could selfishly get past my conscience,  I wouldn’t get any further than pulling my first kid out of school before I’d have to scrap the plan.  Reason for Early Dismissal – “We’re running away.”  Yep, pretty sure that wouldn’t fly with the staff as a valid excuse.  That gave me a good chuckle, and the temptation was over pretty quickly.  But the fatigue and frustration were still very much there.

I’m not sure if Jeff’s mom sensed my desperation, or if the Holy Spirit just whispered to her “It’s time.”  But the next weekend, she moved in to help take care of Jeff.  She is an independent technology consultant which means she can do her job from anywhere there is quick access to an airport.  Mom can’t be here all the time, of course:  she does travel for work.  But when she is here, she takes the night shift so that I can sleep. 

Some friends and neighbors have also been helping out at night when his mom is out of town.  And several have come during the day to sit with Jeff so that I can do errands, take kids to the doctor/dentist, etc.   Jeff’s sister came for a weekend to help out, too.

I haven’t even mentioned the meals.   Several ladies have been signing up to bring meals throughout the week.  It has been such a relief to not have to worry about cooking dinner all the time.  I feel like I’m doing pretty well if I can keep up with the laundry and taking care of Jeff and the kids, so dinner is a very welcome blessing.

And then there’s the yard work and maintenance projects.  One couple has taken on the regular mowing.  Other former patients and their families & friends have come to trim, weed, rake and cut down a tree.  One friend is on groundhog duty.  (I think we’ve gotten them all now.)  The outside faucets are all winterized, the play set and fence are stained.  When I write it all down, it overwhelms me the way people have offered to help.

So all that is to say that I’m grateful.  God hasn’t chosen to intervene and heal as we had first hoped and prayed.  But what He has done is that He’s made it very evident that He cares about the details.  That He will not leave us.  And just as the Bible promises, His strength is made perfect in weakness.  It wasn’t God’s plan for me to do this care-giving alone.  But He allowed me to start feeling pretty weak so that I’d be in the right frame of mind to accept help just when we needed it most. 

He knows me so well.

Eagles’ Wings

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.  --Isaiah 40:31

Juvenile Bald Eagle at Nimisila Reservoir

I love that verse—such a comforting promise to cling to in hard times.

For His Glory

I find myself needing to apologize yet again for allowing so much time to pass between posts.  I finally figured out how to have Live Writer (the program I use for blogging) on more than one computer since I don’t spend much time in the office anymore. 

I wanted to thank you all for your prayers,  for your understanding, for your encouragement.  Some posted comments here, and some sent e-mails, some phoned; but all of you were so sweet and gentle in reminding me of God’s goodness and giving me permission to be human.  I love each of you for that.

My pace through the Bible has grown very slow.  I have always read at night.  It’s the only time the house is completely quiet, and I usually am relaxed and ready to learn.  I admit there have been nights when I’ve fallen asleep before I finished a chapter.  I do a fair amount of re-reading.  But that’s not such a bad thing because sometimes reading a passage twice really helps me get it. 

I’m in the book of John currently.  In Chapter 9, Jesus heals a blind man.  It’s a familiar story to me, and I must have fallen asleep somewhere around the part where the Pharisees put the man and his parents on trial to hear testimony about who healed him and how.  So the next night I read it again.  And this time, the part that jumped out at me was the first few verses.

And as [Jesus] passed by, he saw a man which was blind from [his] birth. And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.  (John 9:1-3)

Have you ever been facing something really hard and wondered “What did I do that God needed to punish me like this?”  I know I have examined my heart each time Jeff’s leukemia showed up.  And when I came to the conclusion that this cancer isn’t punishment for something I did or he did, I started to wonder if God is trying to get someone else’s attention by punishing us for their wayward lifestyle.  (I realize it sounds crazy.  I’m not implying it’s a rational line of thought, it just happens to be a common thought process among those who suffer and those watching someone suffer.)  

Punishing you to teach someone else a lesson?  That’s what terrorists do, and God is certainly no terrorist!

So then why the suffering?

Jesus answered his disciples’ question about this issue by telling them it wasn’t a punishment for either the blind man or his parents, but that there was a reason for it.  God had allowed it so that His glory could be shown when Jesus healed him.

Could God restore Jeff’s sight and health?

Absolutely. 

I do not anticipate a miracle like this one for him.  But if I am interpreting the message of this passage correctly, I can trust that the work of God is being made manifest in Jeff.  We may never fully grasp the ways God has used  leukemia for His glory until we get to heaven and our understanding is perfect.  

And when I think of it that way, my perspective can shift from questioning God’s plan to feeling humbled for having been entrusted with so great a task as to bring God glory in the face of suffering.